There are days when all I want to do is go unnoticed, disappear, so that no one can see what is happening inside me.
Many times I have gone to church in Harry Potter invisibility cloak mode. I walk fast, avoiding eye contact with people and even looking at my phone to get away from everything else. Why have I done it? Sometimes because I'm having a bad day, because I'm in a hurry, or simply because I don't feel as sociable as other times.
And I must admit that it has not only happened to me at church, it has also happened to me at the university, with groups of friends, or inside shopping malls. It has even happened to me at home, when I come back with a problem in my heart and go straight to my room to avoid talking with my family about what is bothering me. I do the impossible for becoming “invisible” for a moment.
Being invisible sometimes works as a defense mechanism so no one can see how we feel. And while it may feel like “the right thing to do,” many times it causes us more pain inside and we miss out on the renewal and healing that God wants to do in us.
Yes, I admit it, many times I have wanted to be invisible. But other times I have armed myself with the courage to show myself as I am, and I have received the most healing and transformative experiences of my life.
I remember how, more than a year ago, I was at a church event and the pastor was talking about how sometimes we see more of Jesus' hands than his eyes. We see more of what he can give us or what he is going to do through us that we forget that the most important thing is to see him.
I was at a point in my life where I felt unfocused. I had recent wounds caused by people both inside and outside the church (and by myself as well) that I had stopped seeing Jesus and had just focused on my pain.
For this reason, when the pastor invited the people who had lost their focus to come to the altar, it didn't take me more than two seconds to get up from my seat and go down the stairs until I reached the front. Letting the surrendiring feeling overcome me, I got on my knees and cried like a child.
I have to admit that at first in my walk with God I was very embarrassed to do that, to come forward and be vulnerable. Because "what would people think of me?"
Even more so after becoming a leader within the church. How were the people in my discipleship, my leaders, the people in my small group going to see me? And without realizing it, I was carrying that same feeling with God, afraid to show Him what was really inside of me.
But over time I learned that the most important thing is to be transparent with God about what is happening to me and what I am experiencing. Because when I do so, I receive in return love, forgiveness, grace, protection, comfort, peace, healing; everything that my heart needs.
And this is something that I have also been learning to do with people who I know want the best for me and who can help me. Thanks to the fact that I have decided to be transparent and not invisible, I have been able to find my way with Jesus again.
And it is what I want to invite you to do too, to stop avoiding for people to see you, and you become transparent like water; one that can be seen through and that, being at the right source, it can continue to flow.
"So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:18 (NLT)
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